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Fun with Apple pre-earnings headlines

There are only so many ways to write it...

Apple Profit Rises 78% On Demand For IPads, IPhones, As Steve Jobs Takes Leave Of Absence

Apple’s earnings are all about…

Apple earnings hinge on success of THIS
Apple earnings: It’s all about the capital return program
Apple Earnings: All About the iPhone, Baby
Apple is about to break out. Here’s why

What’s up is down…

Apple’s sheer size is its stock’s real weakness
Apple Runs Up Against Its Own Success

Is Apple Too Expensive to Buy Right Now?

Can Apple earnings top its historic last quarter?

The expectations game…

How Apple can whiff on earnings and still beat expectations
Apple Likely To Break ‘All Records’ In March Quarter
Apple? Too much expectation: Cramer

Apple will set Q2 records today, but can they live up to colossal expectations?

Irrelevant “watch” puns…

What to watch for in Apple’s earnings
What to ‘Watch’ in Apple’s Earnings
Why Apple’s Watch could call time on its share price

What else can you show me?

Apple’s Earnings — What Does It Do for an Encore?

Apple’s fiscal Q2 2015 earnings results are due out half an hour after the market close. We’ll be eavesdropping on the 5 p.m. ET (2 p.m. PT) analysts call. You can too. Here’s the link: www.apple.com/quicktime/qtv/earningsq215

Follow Philip Elmer-DeWitt on Twitter at @philiped. Read his Apple (AAPL) coverage at fortune.com/ped or subscribe via his RSS feed.